The World is Darkness, My Heart a Light
by Amberlin
Summary: First person narrative. I uploaded again. Finally got some sense and realized that your suppose to put astericks around inner thoughts.
1. Default Chapter

Okay, I finally got a clue and realized that all the other people on this site used atericks for the "inner dialog" of their characters so that's what I decided to do. 

"Lexy dear, This is Marcus Connery. He owns Starr labs. Since your investing in his company soon, I figured you two should become acquainted." I stood back and let the older man move closer to my son. I notice his eyes cloud for a moment as he took in Lex's appearance and I felt myself stiffen slightly

_Careful_, I warned myself, the last thing Lex needs or wants was me getting on motherly on him while he's doing business.

Lex had been working at LuthorCorp since he was kicked out of MU. There were rumors all over the place about how THAT had transpired but I ignored them. I was really the only one who knew the real story. Then again, I was the only one who knew a lot of things about Lex.

My Lex.

I watch as he converses and am shocked by how beautiful he is. Not just physically, even though he surpassed everyone expectations for that after the...incident.

No, I'm talking attitude. He's so lively and charming. A little TOO charming sometimes. Lord knows he's managed to talk his way out of trouble with me more times than I can count.

I can't help it though. I see so much pain in him. I understand that pain, having it inside me also.

No one else but us comprehends what we go through. Were connected because of it, and that facts makes it easier for both of us. He'll be alone soon, though.

I feel so guilty.

I met Lionel 25 years ago when my father owned a small, private school. Lionel wanted to buy out the land and facilities to make a parking garage. He paid my father off with almost a billion dollars and I was stumped as to why he was willing to pay so much. But it was all a ploy. I was a teacher there and Lionel had apparently noticed me. I never thought of myself as extraordinary but apparently he did. He also knew it looked good to marry a someone in my profession. Made him look unassuming, made it look as though he was nice enough to love someone who wasn't truly worthy of him.

Of course, I never realized this until after we were married. That's when he changed. He no longer pretended with me and my life became almost unbearable with him. Until Lex came along. He made things better for a little while. The pain doubled though when Lionel started in on him.

But I don't like to think of those times.

I know Lex is lonely. He's never had any true friends. Or girlfriends. He has a new one who's here tonight but I try to stay away from her. She looks down on me when she thinks Lex isn't looking. Little brat.

I can't help but think that his sudden interest in having a female in his life is due to his need to find someone to replace me when IT happens.

He's the only one that knows. Everyone else thinks I've been cured. But we know differently. The doctors told me I didn't have much more time. They said I would have a warning right before it struck. Numbness in my right side. Then death.

I ran straight home and told Lex. I never told Lionel. Lex never did. We didn't talk about it, we just knew we didn't want him to know. He would exploit it somehow, like he did with everything- with everyone.

I've lasted for two months now and I feel fine. Except for the occasional sting I feel when I look at my son. When I see that look he gets in his eyes that look so much like mine. I'm staring at him now as he engages in small talk.

Then I realize what he's doing. He's actually been speaking to this man in a fake English accent the whole time. He's perfected it by listening to me for 19 years and the fact that I'm British makes it very easy for people to believe we share a common accent.

I'm not particularly shocked. He does things like this often. He's never serious. Not that I personally cared, I liked him better when he's happy. His father can't stand it though. Gets pretty pissed at it. Lex learned a long time ago that it wasn't best to patronize his father. Someone would reap the consequences, which always ended up being me or Lex himself.

I tried to smile naturally as Lex said something. He referred to it as "bloody". Oh God.

I. AM. GOING. TO. KILL. HIM.

The man said his good-byes and departed to talk to some man I didn't recognize but I'm sure I've met a thousand times before. I turned to Lex.

"He seems genuinely nice. I was a little shocked." He stated, as if I hadn't noticed what he had done.

"Alexander. Why do you do things like that? Are you trying to embarrass me?" I whispered, trying to look natural.

Lex laughed lightly and swung his left arm over his chest, his right hand holding his champagne glass drunkenly.

"Because it's funny. Even funnier that you sometimes seem like you don't notice for a while." He smiled teasingly and I felt my anger subsiding. He was too damn sweet to stay mad at, and even I have to admit that it's kind of funny when he pulls it off.

I still gave him my best disapproving look and he sighed. He reaches over with his champagne glass and brushes a lock of curly hair back from my face with one finger.

If he spills that champagne on me, he's dead.

"Let me have some fun here mother. Look at all these people. Uptight, anal, drones. How am I suppose to bear this sh.." I cut him off but hitting him hard on his back and hope no one notices.

Appearances are everything after all. Blah, blah, blah.

He smiles mischievously and looked over at his father who is slowly making his way to us. "So comes the Magnificent Bastard." Lex whispers over the rim of his glass and then takes a sip. I wonder for a moment if Lionel heard him but he's already reached us.

I cringe inside, waiting for the rebuke that is sure to be degrading and hurtful but he obviously didn't hear the comment, asking us simply if we were enjoying ourselves. I answered before Lex could, assuring him that we were taking advantage of "every opportunity." At this comment, Lex raised his glass slightly at me and I almost laugh. It was a private joke. The "opportunities" we were taking advantage of was the alcohol.

Lionel apparently didn't notice our silent exchange because he began addressing Lex in a voice I knew too well. Accusing.

"I saw you speaking with Mr. Connery. Anything interesting taking place?" He asked. His tone implying that lying wasn't an option.

Lex smiled sardonically. "Yes father. I actually am investing in some stock at Starr Labs. Why the sudden interest in my affairs?"

Oh crap. Here it comes. I had asked Lionel to invest in the company months ago. Starr Labs was leading the research for a cure to the disease that had infested my brain. It was too late for me but I desperately wanted to have a part in helping others in my situation. I was thinking of all the other mothers who were going to be torn from this world by death. Torn from their children.

When Lionel had waved me off, claiming that since I was better it shouldn't be a concern to me anymore, I had gone to Lex and asked him to invest. He had agreed, of course.

"Is this a cute coincidence or am I right to assume that the interest in this lab isn't completely yours Lex?" Lionel was angrier now and was looking at me accusingly.

Lex shifted between us. Not stepped - shifted. He would never dare to step between his father and anything. He had tried that when he was younger (usually when I was the thing on the other side) but had learned quickly that his father's temper could easily extend to him.

Lex smiled for the sake of the guest and asked his father if we could talk about it later. It wasn't a request. Lex knew his father cared about appearances. He was appealing to the side of him that wanted people to believe he had a perfect family life. The side that thought arguments were to take place in private.

Lionel walked off nonchalantly and I let out a breath I didn't realize I was holding. I felt funny all of a sudden. I was use to Lionel, I shouldn't be reacting this way. Before I knew it, my champagne glass had slipped from my hand. It didn't hit the floor, though, because Lex caught it immediately. It spilled on the front of my dress but I didn't really notice.

Lex put both our glasses on the table and stepped toward me. He put his hands on my arms and looked at my with so much concern. It almost broke my heart.

"Mother? Are you faint?" The way he asked let me know that he almost wanted me to say yes. To say it was nothing and that I just needed some air but we both knew what it really was.

I shook my head no and looked up at him. His eyes are so pretty. When he was a child I would always brag about them. Telling everyone that my boy had the prettiest eyes I had ever seen.

My boy.

I felt the tears start to well up but managed to keep my eyes dry. "I'll go get father." He started to turn to find him but I grabbed his arm.

"No. I don't want him to know. Leave him down here. Take me to my room Lex." I was almost pleading. I didn't want Lionel there. He'd ruin it. I wanted to die peacefully, in my own bed, with my own son being the last thing I see.

Lex nodded stiffly and wrapped his arm around my waist. We walked as fast as we dared without drawing attention across the room and up the stairs. Lex had put his head down to my ear, pretending as if he were whispering something to me, trying to be natural. He didn't say anything though. I could feel his heart beating so fast. I worried for a second whether he would be okay. Always the mother aren't I?

As soon as we had made out way up the banister and out of sight, Lex gallantly picked me up and carried me the rest of the way. He's such a gentleman. Any woman would be lucky to have him.

God, I'll never see him fall in love.

I start crying now, the right side of my face feeling nonexistant. My head is nuzzled in his soft shirt, the one I had told him not to buy because it was to bloody expensive. He had laughed and asked me why I even bothered to look at the price tag. Old habits die young. I had told him. I scolded him for taking his money for granted and he looked ashamed. Then he went ahead bought the shirt.

We made it to my room and he placed me gingerly on the bed. "Your not wearing your watch" I had bought him a special watch and given it to him a few days ago. I told him it was to let him know I was there even if I wasn't really.

"I didn't think I needed to yet," he responded softly and noticed he had been crying. He hadn't done that in years. I wanted him to smile, wanted that to be my last vision of him.

"Lex, will you do me a favor?" I asked. He leaned forward eagerly.

"Would you smile and not stop? I don't want to see you unhappy." I knew it was a hard request, the tears were streaming freely down his face and once he got started it was hard for him to stop. I had rocked him to sleep too many times to not know that.

He managed, though, a small, ghostly smile. My vision started to blur and his breath caught in his throat. He turned his head quickly, putting his face down on the comforter and out of view. He was trying to adhere to my wishes but I knew he had started crying again.

That's when I made my decision. It was the hardest thing I've ever chosen to do and I pray it was the right one.

I asked him to leave.

I didn't want him to watch me die and I also knew that if we were both gone from the party for too long, Lionel would come looking. I didn't want to see Lionel. I reasoned this way with Lex.

"Mommy.." He started to argue and I felt an unbearable pain in my chest at the word. He hadn't called me that for at least ten years now. His father had told him it wasn't proper. He had then begun referring to me as "mother." So formal. I hated it.

He finally listened at retreated quietly. Trying to hold back his sobs. As soon as the door closed, my vision went completely.

I needed to know he loved me. I selfishly needed to know he'd grieve for me. It made me feel wanted.

But a small part of me hoped that after he left that room he never thought of me ever again. I liked to believe he went on with his life and made it perfect for himself. That he was truly happy.

That he didn't miss me.


	2. My Heart is Light

As I reached out to take the man's hand I noticed that it was warm and pudgy. He smiled at me sincerely. I silently thanked my mother for bringing the one person to my attention whose demeanor wouldn't piss me off.  
  
My mother had a way of doing that, though. She always seemed able to attach herself to people who were good at heart. It was like instict for her, an instinct I hoped I was fortunate enough to inherit.  
  
I was in a giddy mood tonight and I felt like teasing my mother. I started using the accent I had perfected over the years simply by listening to her. Well, that and watching Austin Powers, but I would never admit that to her. She hated that movie; said that the accents were offensive and British people didn't really sound like that. Of course, I had been quick to tell her that they actually sounded worse and only succeeded in making her protest of the movie even stronger. I thought it was all very funny. Then again, I thought everything was funny.  
  
My mother tried to act annoyed at my sense of humor but we both knew she really enjoyed it. Lord knows she'd been deprived of it living with my father. So had I, until I decided to do what I wanted no matter what he thought.  
  
My mother was beautiful. I noticed it in passing as I glanced at her out of the corner of my eye. I was trying to see if she was annoyed yet but she didn't seem to be paying attention. She was kind of looking at me with a strange look in her eye. She's been doing that a lot lately. Ever since she told me about IT.  
  
She was forlorn and attentive. Almost as if she thought she needed to observe everything about me while she still could.  
  
*I don't want my mom to die.*  
  
I was the only one she trusted with the news.  
  
Trusted. That wasn't usually a word people would use in connection to me. No one trusted me, all they saw was a mirror image of my father and they because of this they were always suspicious.  
  
My mother knew me though. She knew I meant well in everything I did. She also knew why I was forced into working at LuthorCorp. No one else knew and that included my father. There was no point in explaining to him. If I told him how I stood up for myself, how I hadn't allowed someone to take advantage of me, he would scoff. Even worse, if I told him how mad the woman got when I told her she couldn't put her hands on me, I'm sure he would be dissappointed that I was kicked out because I wouldn't do THAT. Self-respect meant nothing to my father. Getting ahead was most important.  
  
Mr. Connery was now asking me nicely how much stock I was planning on buying and I told him there would be a written request on his desk in the morining. As I said this, I looked over his head and saw Victoria. I gues you could sawy we were acquinted I wouldn't neccessarily call her a girlfriend but there was something in me that needed her around.  
  
I knew I just wanted a woman in my life. I related better to women, as strange as that sounds. Even though, Vicky does grate on my nerves when she lookes at my mother in that condescending way of hers. She thinks I don't notice when the truth is, I just don't want to say anything and bring it to my mother's attention.  
  
*My mother was more of a woman than Victoria will ever be.*  
  
But she'll do for now. *Who was I kidding anyway? No woman would ever fall in love with me.* I have to take what I can get, I guess.  
  
The man is walking away now and I turn to my mother. I tell her that I thought he was nice but she seems mad.  
  
*What's her bloody problem?* I think and then cringe at the fact that my inner dialog just said the word "bloody". I need to stop with that, I'm even fooling myself now.  
  
"Are you trying to embarrass me?" she asked, her voice low and I think it's cute how her mouth barely moves.  
  
I laugh her off, pulling my arm closer and swinging me glass around lazily. I feel a little drunk. Then again, you have to be drunk to tolerate these gallas. Everyone here is all exactly the same. Except my mother, she stands out. A picture of beauty and humility, something that these others plastic woman probably didn't think was possible to have at the same time.  
  
"Because it's funny. Even funnier that you don't notice anymore" I reply teasingly. I noticed her face soften and then she shoots me a look that sreams "don't push it."  
  
I suddenly had the incredible urge to touch her. I've been doing that a lot lately, especially her hair. It was so pretty. Curly and deep red, framing beautiful blue eyes and a large smile. These woman here had nothing on her. I sweep her hair away, feeling a vague stab when I realize that minw would have looked the same if I hadn't lost it. Maybe that's why I was drawn to it so much. Even as a little boy, I could sit for hours and run my hands through her hair.  
  
*Soon, I won't be able to anymore.*  
  
I dismiss that thought quickly and when I touch her she lookes as if she wants to say something but I cut her off.  
  
"Let me have some fun here mother. Look at all these people. Uptight, anal drones. How am I suppose to bear this sh.." my mouth always has a tendency to become vulgar when I'm tipsy and my mother catches me with a swift hit on my back.  
  
This (or the alcohol) jogs my memory of a time when I was fifteen and we were at a convention in Newburg. I had gotten up to run around and my mother was upset when I came back. As I passed by her in the seat she spanked me on my behind. She had done it accidently and I was mortified at the time. Now that I think back on it, it was quite amusing.  
  
At that moment in my train of thought, I notice my father making his way over to us. My mind recaptures a nickname that one of my friends had for him. I had heard them gabbing in the kitchen one day and the name had slipped out of her mouth absently. I thought it had a nice ring to it.  
  
*It was certaintly fitting.*  
  
As he makes his way to us, I find myself wondering what my mother ever saw in him. *She could have done so much better.* Better than a man that cheated and beated and degraded on a regular basis. We had solace in each other though, both knowing what it felt like to be hated by him when we were suppose to be the ones he loved the most.  
  
"And so comes the Magnificent Bastard" I never knew if my mother heard me considering I was a milisecond away from taking a sip and she never responded.  
  
My father asked how we were doing. My mother perked up and tells him were taking advantages of all the "opportunities" at the party tonight.  
  
*Yeah, the wine.*  
  
I tip my glass slighly in her direction and I swear to God she almost snorts with laughter. My father ignored it and turned to me. He asked me about Mr. Connery. I knew this tone too well. It meant he already had full knowledge of the situation and just wanted to see if you'd lie to him. And if you did...well, let's not think about that now.  
  
My mother had come to me and asked me to invest. I knew why. She wanted to help others who have the same problem as her. I wondered briefly why she hadn't asked my father but realized that my father wouldn't understand her frame of mind.  
  
I asked him why he had a sudden interest in my business.  
  
*Could he be more insensitive?* I think bitterly as he starts accusing my mother. I feel I need to save her from him but my stomach turns at the memories of how that has turned out in the past. I find myself simply shifting my body weight in her direction, to let her know I was there for her.  
  
I remind my father that we have and audience here in the dining hall and he walks away casually, trying to pretend he has a happy family life. *Yeah right.*  
  
I hear my mother exhale shakily and I turn to her, concerned. Suddenly her glass slips from her hand and I catch it clumsily. It spills down the front of her dress but her eyes are uncomprehending. My stomach lurches.  
  
*Oh, God. Not now.*  
  
I put the glasses on the table as calmly as I can and grab her arms. *Maybe she's just lightheaded. Please, whoevers up there, let her just be faint.* I ask her. She says no.  
  
I feel disjointed now. She lookes up at me with the same eyes I see every day in the mirror. Except these ones always managed to comfort me when I was depressed, when somene had hurt my feelings. These eyes had the power to calm me when I needed it the most.  
  
*Not anymore.*  
  
My hands start to shake and I tell her I'm going to get dad. She begs me not to. I feel seperated from my body. It feel as if a small part of my has disconnected itself and is now watching from above, looking down and feeling sorry for the little boy about to lose his mother. His life.  
  
I wrap my arms around her waist and guide her up the stairs. I nuzzle my head in her neck, smelling her nice scent. She smells liked flowers and brandy.  
  
*She smells like mom.*  
  
Her heart was so steady and I knew then that I'd never be as strong as her. But I knew that was fine. We made it all the way up the banister and I picker her up. As we're walking, she starts to sob. Her tears staining my shirt. She had went shopping for it with me. I had argued with her that day and she told me I better mary a very understanding woman. I assured her I would try my best.  
  
*She wouldn't be at my wedding.*  
  
I put her soflty on the bed and she grabs my wrist. She asks about my watch. My Napolean watch that she had just given me a few weeks ago. I wore it for a day and it made me sad, so I took it off. I didn't want to think about the time when she wouldn't be there.  
  
Suddenly my wrist felt bare. "I didn't think I needed to", as I respond I taste the salt from my own tears and realize for the first time that I had been crying.  
  
"Lex, will you do me a favor?"  
  
*Oh my God. Please don't die. I'll do anything if you just stay here.*  
  
She asks me to my smile. I try my hardest but don't succeed completely. Just then I notice that her eyes seemed to have gone out of focus and I almost choke on the sobs I'm trying to keep down. I wanted to make her proud, I wanted to do what she asked of me. I throw me face down on the bed and I hear her call my name again.  
  
"Lex. Lex, leave now. Please. I don't want you to watch this. Plus, your dad might start a search party if were gone too long. Tell him I didn't feel well and went to lie down. Please, Lex?"  
  
My heart feels as if it's been ripped out of my chest but I can still hear it beating. I look up at her suddenly feeling like a child. "Mommy.." I start but I notice the pain that crosses her face at that word. I had made her feel bad. I decided that it would be bette if I left her in peace. I was probably a very painful reminder of what she was leaving behind.  
  
As I made me way to the door, I worry that she can hear me sobbing. I can't help it.  
  
I closed the door soflty and stood there dazed for a while. A part of me feeling dead, cold, and bitter.  
  
I wasn't going back to the party.. I wanted to rush back to her and lay by her side. If I could go to the grave with her, I would.  
  
I slide down the doorframe and pull my legs to my chest. I had stopped crying and now just felt cold. I stayed there until the early morning. Until the party ended and my father came along asking me what in the world I was doing sitting on the floor like an idiot.  
  
After that it was a blur of activity. The sirens and the talking, the people asking me questions and the gathering of reporters outside our house all seeming so far away. I ended up exiled to the kitchen to be out of the way but I think a part of me never left that floor.  
  
Probably never will. 


End file.
